“When life kicks you, let it kick you forward!”

Another week, another, day, another hour, another minute. What will you chose to do with your time? My sister-in-law, Denise was over the other day and quoted me the title of this post. I liked it, she said she heard it on T.V. I don’t think I heard anything else after that, (sorry Denise), but those words spoke to me.

 It’s so true. No matter how many times I have been shoved or pulled, I will move forward and not on my strength alone, but with my Heavenly Father’s help. My family and I are seeing better days. It’s amazing how God slowly reveals the whole picture to you day by day.

We went to San Antonio two weeks ago with every intention to view a listing of 10 houses I had researched. The realtor emailed me the night before and stated another house had just come on the market that day. She emailed me some pictures of it, it was beautiful, however I wanted to see it for sure before making a descision. We made arrangements to meet her at that one house before we moved on to see the rest. So we packed in the car, myself, Isaac, Denise and her husband. At first, we were like, “where in the world are we!” But then the long road led to several subdivisions where the neighborhoods looked friendly, inviting and peaceful. We then turned down the street where the house was located. Symphony music came on as we parked in front of the home. B-E-A-Utiful!!! We walked in and the outside was just as nice as the inside. A two-story, 2600 square foot home, with two living areas and a large kitchen. That is all I need!!! Needless to say, I fell in love.  Here is the picture of our new home, we were approved last week. The move date is August 10th.  Thank you God, I know the best is yet to come.

Bulls-eye

For those of you who are easily offended, please do not read the rest of this post.

I don’t even know where to begin. I have blogged about pain before, that seems to be the on-going theme here. Just when I feel I can take a breather, here comes pain 10 times harder. Only those close to me know about the pain that I have endured throughout my life. I feel so vulnerable so helpless, I don’t know how else to explain it. I am a bulls-eye for heartache.

I have mentioned my mother briefly on another post, about not having much of a relationship with her. She had been living with us for a short while and I thought things were going really well. If I have not mentioned it before, she has a mental illness which in my opinion, she is a compulsive liar. It’s as if she does not have control of how much she lies. It is amazing how much she believes the lies she speaks. I mean if you have never met a compulsive liar, here is an example, you can tell her the wall is white and she will argue with you that it is red! I am used to that, although find myself frustrated every time. Every time I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, she again lets me down. Anyhow, a few months ago, April 2007 to be exact, she confided in me and requested if I could manage her SSI and Social Security benefits, due to her accusations of my aunt, her sister abusing the checks. Was this a rat trap, or what? I really felt this would be the chance to allow us to be close, especially close to my children. What the heck was I thinking? The greater good? What? It’s sad, but so many people have let my husband and I down, that I don’t believe in people anymore. People are such let-downs, well let me rephrase, some people, especially those you think are close to you. Hmm, you’d think I’d be use to it by now, but it hurts just as much as it did the first time. Back to my mother, so I thought things were going well. According to my mother she was sleeping on the floor in a house that is about to fall any day now. This house is where my aunt lives, this house goes back to my great-grandmother. Needless to say, no repairs have ever been done since, you can imagine the unlivable conditions it s in. This aunt of mine could care less for anything or anyone. She tends to play this pity-party where she believes everybody is out to get her. Can you say, Paranoid!! Usually I would hold my tongue, but you know what I don’t give anymore!! This aunt sure does know how to hurt someone.

To add insult to injury, it all begins with me being a result of a rape, don’t know this monster, don’t care to know anymore. From the conversations my mother and I had, I concluded this was not a casual one-night stand with a young love. This man was much older, my mother was only 14 years old. To this day, no family member will give me a glimpse of the truth. All I get are run-around responses or “it’s probably better that you don’t know.” This makes me angry and fuels that fire I have talked about before that I am so passionate about. When I was born, my maternal grandmother cared for both my mother and I. I was only two years old when my only caretaker, my grandmother died of cancer. We lived in Yuba City, California, the rest of my extended family lived in Corpus Christi, TX. Notice I said my extended family, my immediate family didn’t give a damn what happened to me. My great-uncle, my grandma’s brother, Alejandro Aparicio and his wife, Cecilia Aparicio stepped up to the plate and remembered the little baby girl behind the crib bars and immediately made a decision to care for me and my mother who again was only a teen herself. My great-grandma who also lived in Corpus at the time agreed to make the trip to get me and my mother here to Corpus. Funny thing, I remember that trip, I recall the cold bus drive with the mountains in clear view. I guess that was such a tramautic moment for me, too hard to erase. My great-aunt and uncle then raised me, God bless them. “Mom, Dad I pray God blesses you abundantly beyond your wildest dreams, I love you very much.” I love you was something never spoken growing up, but now as an adult, it is much easier.

Going back to this aunt, which her name is Liz by the way, has always been money-hungry. I too wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, however she proved that wrong yesterday. I am getting ahead of myself. One day when my mother was visiting me, she prompted me again to try and get a hold of her benefits. We both went to the Social Security office to get information only, however the caseworker quickly put the checks under my name. I was in total shock! The following week, the Social Security office called and requested me to be in the office due to Liz going with my mother reporting this is not at all what my mother wanted. Anyhow, I showed up, very awkward for all three of us to be there. Liz acts as if she has always loved me and has always been a part of my life. “Away from me woman, I don’t know you and I don’t care to know you!” This post would become a book if I sat here and typed everything she is responsible for wrecking. The caseworker stated he was not going to award Liz the checks because he was going to give me a chance to do it.

Well here we are, in the midst of a miracle, we are going to be moving to San Antonio due to my husband’s job transition and a couple of days later I get another call from the Social Security office. Liz was there yet again with my mother and the caseworker demanding an explanation of what was going on? Needless to say I gave an earful to Liz’s machine, because of course she will not talk to me. I was so upset because I could here my mother saying things about me, that I do not care for her and so forth. That double-crossing woman! Of course, I’m sure part of that was manipulation. I want nothing to do with her anymore. Seriously, I don’t. I don’t care for turmoil! I am the only one that would take her shopping, would give her makeovers, bought her a bed to sleep on, pierced her ears, cooked for her……on and on! No credit, not even a thank-you. Wow! How incredibly ungrateful. I don’t care how much Liz will claim that all this was due to her mental-illness, BULL…my mom knows exactly what she did. I was so mad, I threw all her clothes and the rest of her belongings outside, called her and my aunt and demanded they come pick up her stuff immediately. And yes they did!

You know, I don’t regret that! I am through…I am through with a lot of things. I am through being the sweet-person who keeps her mouth shout because its the proper thing to do. Get the hell out of my way, I am woman and I will stand up for what I believe and feel is right for me and my family. No regrets…no regrets. Once I heard this man from stage say, “You know if anybody comes between my family and I, I will not be the nice person you know me as!” Guess what, you’re not the only one! No, I’m not bitter, I am wiser and will continue to learn from these life-lessons and continue weeding out the things in my life that are negative and unhealthy.

Gratitude

“Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a lamp unto my path.” 

Psalms 119:105

This  is the verse that sustains me.  Yesterday was just one of those days where I felt everything and everyone was against me.  To be a Christian is to endure hardships and to trust that God holds the answers. In the end these struggles will bring you closer to the Father, resulting in Him receiving all the glory and praise. Sometimes people get caught up in the glamour of it all, yet Christ is far from that. Some people get lost in image and “high stature”, yet forget every speed bump that allowed them to slow down and enjoy the fruit. Yes, people can be very disappointing, but I just have to be reminded that I live and serve an amazing God who will accept me for who I am. No family, no friend, no church, no professional could ever do what Christ did for me and for the rest of the world. It is to Him, I owe my gratitude, my heart….my everything.

God I see you, I feel you….you have not changed since the days of my youth. Revive the spiritual ferverence in my life as if were the day you came into my heart. I love you Lord.

Having fun!

Today was an awesome day. Isaac, I and the boys spend the day at Cole Park. The boys needed to get out of the house and have some fun. Little Benji is fearless. He saw a slide and immediately ran to it and slid down.    Doesn’t matter how big or tall the slide is…he knows what a slide is for and he is determined to do it without any assistance. Benji, Benji, your smile lights up a room. Your giggles are so cute. I am so priveleged to be your mommy. 

My little Solomon is a protective big brother, always making sure little brother does not get hurt.  He is definately my eyes and ears when I am not present.  He is so structured and considerate. His little phrase right now when I ask him if he is my baby is, “I’m your first baby!” I can’t help but to squeeze him and shower him with lots of love and kisses.

Daddy was teaching the boys how to make rocks skip in the water.    

Here are two more pics of the boys having fun with Daddy.      Benji being sneaky!

All that running around sure did build up an appetite. We found ourselves at Whataburger by the bay eating upstairs. We then decided to head over the Harbor bridge, where Isaac took beautiful pics of “The Blue Ghost”, or the Lexington. While Solomon helped Daddy position tripod, Benji and I decided to take a stroll on North Beach. He did not want to feel the sand or water, he refused to be put down and clawed his little but sharp nails into my shoulders. I carried him for the stroll and he was a happy camper. There were so many people at the beach…ahhh summer!  We called it an evening, went home, bathed the boys and they were out like cold logs. In my book, thats called a successful DAY!

Family Time

Family time is so important in the Castillo home.  Tonight before bed time, Isaac and I played with the boys in their room.  Wela (my mother, Spanish for grandma) was even entertained with the toys. Oh, yes my mother lives with us. She is an interesting person. Funny thing, she hadn’t been a part of my life for years, but now I can’t seem to be without her. It really does help to have an extra set of hands around here, especially when you have a four year old bouncing of the walls and a 19 month old standing on top of the dinner table yelling, “mama, mama!!” Oh yes, the joys of motherhood! My honey is in a transition with his job so in the meantime he has been hanging out a lot more….kind of like a vacation….yes I like that! He is such a helpful husband and father, I thank God for him. I really don’t know what I’d do without him, he is truly an answered prayer. Someday I will tell the story of how we met and how God clearly spoke to the both of us affirming that we were meant to be.  I love it! In the meantime, here are some pics from my beautiful family.

  My honey

  Look at those adorable smiles!   

  Father’s Day. We had a bar-b-q… of course!

  Just me and my boys!

   Enjoying a cute little park off of Ocean Dr.

Re-opened wounds

Pain, heartache, and deception. Sadly, these are all too familiar to my heart. Once again they come un invited as they pull the rug from beneath me. I feel deception as it surrounds me in a midst and stops behind my ear and whispers, “I’m backkk!” So many thoughts and feelings that I have supressed come floating to the top as if to mock me. Comfort, what is comfort? Some people whine and cry to get comfort, others actually fight for it. Those who fight for it, their actions speak louder than words, which eventually brings great respect and dignity. Those who are all talk, their lack of actions will bring resentment and downfall. You see deception, the game has just begun. I know you, you bring the same lowsy tactics to the court, what you don’t know is that the ball is on my turf. And that ball is my Heavenly Father. Sure, I’m angry, sure I’m upset, but it’s a holy anger that will drive me to pursue things that I thought were impossible at one point. Just like before, if it were not for that anger I’d still be on the sidelines waiting for someone to give me a chance. No, not this girl!