Bulls-eye

Published by Elaine under Frustrations on July 25, 2007

For those of you who are easily offended, please do not read the rest of this post.

I don’t even know where to begin. I have blogged about pain before, that seems to be the on-going theme here. Just when I feel I can take a breather, here comes pain 10 times harder. Only those close to me know about the pain that I have endured throughout my life. I feel so vulnerable so helpless, I don’t know how else to explain it. I am a bulls-eye for heartache.

I have mentioned my mother briefly on another post, about not having much of a relationship with her. She had been living with us for a short while and I thought things were going really well. If I have not mentioned it before, she has a mental illness which in my opinion, she is a compulsive liar. It’s as if she does not have control of how much she lies. It is amazing how much she believes the lies she speaks. I mean if you have never met a compulsive liar, here is an example, you can tell her the wall is white and she will argue with you that it is red! I am used to that, although find myself frustrated every time. Every time I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, she again lets me down. Anyhow, a few months ago, April 2007 to be exact, she confided in me and requested if I could manage her SSI and Social Security benefits, due to her accusations of my aunt, her sister abusing the checks. Was this a rat trap, or what? I really felt this would be the chance to allow us to be close, especially close to my children. What the heck was I thinking? The greater good? What? It’s sad, but so many people have let my husband and I down, that I don’t believe in people anymore. People are such let-downs, well let me rephrase, some people, especially those you think are close to you. Hmm, you’d think I’d be use to it by now, but it hurts just as much as it did the first time. Back to my mother, so I thought things were going well. According to my mother she was sleeping on the floor in a house that is about to fall any day now. This house is where my aunt lives, this house goes back to my great-grandmother. Needless to say, no repairs have ever been done since, you can imagine the unlivable conditions it s in. This aunt of mine could care less for anything or anyone. She tends to play this pity-party where she believes everybody is out to get her. Can you say, Paranoid!! Usually I would hold my tongue, but you know what I don’t give anymore!! This aunt sure does know how to hurt someone.

To add insult to injury, it all begins with me being a result of a rape, don’t know this monster, don’t care to know anymore. From the conversations my mother and I had, I concluded this was not a casual one-night stand with a young love. This man was much older, my mother was only 14 years old. To this day, no family member will give me a glimpse of the truth. All I get are run-around responses or “it’s probably better that you don’t know.” This makes me angry and fuels that fire I have talked about before that I am so passionate about. When I was born, my maternal grandmother cared for both my mother and I. I was only two years old when my only caretaker, my grandmother died of cancer. We lived in Yuba City, California, the rest of my extended family lived in Corpus Christi, TX. Notice I said my extended family, my immediate family didn’t give a damn what happened to me. My great-uncle, my grandma’s brother, Alejandro Aparicio and his wife, Cecilia Aparicio stepped up to the plate and remembered the little baby girl behind the crib bars and immediately made a decision to care for me and my mother who again was only a teen herself. My great-grandma who also lived in Corpus at the time agreed to make the trip to get me and my mother here to Corpus. Funny thing, I remember that trip, I recall the cold bus drive with the mountains in clear view. I guess that was such a tramautic moment for me, too hard to erase. My great-aunt and uncle then raised me, God bless them. “Mom, Dad I pray God blesses you abundantly beyond your wildest dreams, I love you very much.” I love you was something never spoken growing up, but now as an adult, it is much easier.

Going back to this aunt, which her name is Liz by the way, has always been money-hungry. I too wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, however she proved that wrong yesterday. I am getting ahead of myself. One day when my mother was visiting me, she prompted me again to try and get a hold of her benefits. We both went to the Social Security office to get information only, however the caseworker quickly put the checks under my name. I was in total shock! The following week, the Social Security office called and requested me to be in the office due to Liz going with my mother reporting this is not at all what my mother wanted. Anyhow, I showed up, very awkward for all three of us to be there. Liz acts as if she has always loved me and has always been a part of my life. “Away from me woman, I don’t know you and I don’t care to know you!” This post would become a book if I sat here and typed everything she is responsible for wrecking. The caseworker stated he was not going to award Liz the checks because he was going to give me a chance to do it.

Well here we are, in the midst of a miracle, we are going to be moving to San Antonio due to my husband’s job transition and a couple of days later I get another call from the Social Security office. Liz was there yet again with my mother and the caseworker demanding an explanation of what was going on? Needless to say I gave an earful to Liz’s machine, because of course she will not talk to me. I was so upset because I could here my mother saying things about me, that I do not care for her and so forth. That double-crossing woman! Of course, I’m sure part of that was manipulation. I want nothing to do with her anymore. Seriously, I don’t. I don’t care for turmoil! I am the only one that would take her shopping, would give her makeovers, bought her a bed to sleep on, pierced her ears, cooked for her……on and on! No credit, not even a thank-you. Wow! How incredibly ungrateful. I don’t care how much Liz will claim that all this was due to her mental-illness, BULL…my mom knows exactly what she did. I was so mad, I threw all her clothes and the rest of her belongings outside, called her and my aunt and demanded they come pick up her stuff immediately. And yes they did!

You know, I don’t regret that! I am through…I am through with a lot of things. I am through being the sweet-person who keeps her mouth shout because its the proper thing to do. Get the hell out of my way, I am woman and I will stand up for what I believe and feel is right for me and my family. No regrets…no regrets. Once I heard this man from stage say, “You know if anybody comes between my family and I, I will not be the nice person you know me as!” Guess what, you’re not the only one! No, I’m not bitter, I am wiser and will continue to learn from these life-lessons and continue weeding out the things in my life that are negative and unhealthy.